Esera Tuaolo: Alone in the Trenches
By Chris Astrala
Recently there has been much said about openly gay players in sports, particularly the NFL. Michael Sam, the first openly gay man drafted by the NFL and to play in a preseason game (although he was cut from the Rams, he was just picked up by Dallas Cowboys) proved that you can be out and still be mostly accepted and judged solely on performance and not for whom you love.
We wanted to get a first hand account on what it was like to be gay, closeted and play in the NFL. So we contacted one of the trailblazers who actually endured the tension, pressure and fear of being outed while doing what he loved to do: Esera Tuaolo.
A second-round pick out of Oregon State in 1991 by The Green Bay Packers, Tuaolo was a defensive lineman and the first rookie in NFL history to start in all 16 games. His record earned him a spot on the 1991 All-Rookie team.
Tuaolo played nine seasons for the Vikings, Packers, Jaguars, Falcons and Panthers. He kept his homosexuality a secret during his career, and even contemplated suicide. When he came out in 2002, two years after retiring from pro football, Tuaolo finally found the happiness his younger self had been so desperate for. In 2002 he wrote Alone in the Trenches: My Life as a Gay Man in the NFL. In the book he talks about how he had dreams about coming out while still active in the NFL, but there was no chance those dreams would become reality. “The environment was not right,” he said. “I had to play to provide for my family and kids, and coming out would have probably meant getting or been purposely injured by one of my teammates, and being ostracized in the locker room and in practice; I couldn’t risk it. He also mentions that he “did not feel safe at all” in the locker room with his teammates: “It was so hard…being in that masculine environment. The secret killed me.”
In addition to being an activist, motivational speaker, singer, advocate, author and father, he is also a great cook. “I learned to cook Hawaiian-style from my mom and other chefs from restaurants that I have been part of”, says Esera, “I combine my catering skills with singing, if the host wants me to. I like to call myself ‘The Singing Chef.'”
Tuaolo is also an HIV/AIDS activist—his brother died from complications of the disease. He has appeared in public service announcements and is a major fundraiser for Camp Heartland for children and youth with HIV/AIDS.
He travels the country speaking about homophobia in sports and anti-bullying. Following is my conversation with Esera, it was great speaking to this amazing man.
The Standard:
Hi Esera, first of all thanks for the opportunity to talk with you, I know that you are a very busy man so let’s get right to it. You came out in 2002 after 9 years playing for the NFL and you did it on HBO’s “Real Sports”, which was huge by the way, especially in those days. Did your friends and family know that you were about to do this on such a large stage and if so what was their response?
Esera:
Only a small number of friends & family knew about my relationship with Mitchell. I was not going talk to rest of the family but Mitchell convinced me to talk to them before the story came out. They had their concerns and negative comments but it was all about them and how people would react and treat them. We needed to stay focus and stay true to ourselves and what we wanted as a family. We wanted to be happy and not live in a lie with our two beautiful children. We wanted what our straight friends and family members took for granted. We wanted to walk down the street as a family we wanted to be happy!
The Standard:
What was it like being closeted and playing for the NFL?
At first it was horrible but then it just become part of my life. You learn to accept it or it will destroy you. Although I accepted it, I was still living with depression, stress, hurt and suicidal tendencies. To not be true to yourself and having to live a lie was difficult. Going through your life with someone and not being able to share your happiness with or your rewards in public with was difficult. To go to the Super Bowl and not be able to introduce your partner to the team, coaches or their families was difficult and depressing. I was with my Mitchell at the latter half of my career and being in the closet destroyed that relationship. Having to hide our love for each other is something no one should go through. I’m tearing up by just answering this question but I thank God everyday for my life and my beautiful children. That is why I’m so happy for Michael Sam because he doesn’t have to deal with anything I dealt with. He’ll be able to concentrate on football and that’s something I wish I had.
The Standard:
What was the reaction of your former teammates when you came out? And are you still in contact with any of them?
Esera:
It was a shock to many of my former teammates. A handful of them contacted me but only half of them seem sincere. Recently I have been contacted by a few of them and it was good to catch up.
The Standard:
You are known for being a very spiritual man, what is your take on religion and homosexuality?
I recently did a 2-day seminar in Minnesota on that topic. I have good friend that is pastor and we decided to tackle this topic at his church.
We invited the surrounding churches and we had 600 people show up. It was a great forum because it gave both sides an opportunity to share without the screaming and chaos that you see on television. I could talk about this topic until the cows come home but I’d rather just say this. Our God is a God of love and he showed that love by sending his son Jesus Christ to die on the cross for all our sins. Key word ALL. Now at the seminar the first question I had was “Is Homosexuality a Sin?” My answer was NO if your in a loving committed relationship. But if your asking me if I’m a sinner like everyone in this room, then I would say YES because in the Bible is says “We all fall short of the glory of God”. Meaning we are all sinners. The final question I received at the seminar was “Are you going to Heaven?” My answer was Yes because the price was already paid. When Jesus Christ died on the cross he became the key to every lasting life. He also said “I am the way and the light, no one come to the father but through me”. I believe that Jesus Christ is my lord and savior so that’s how I know I’m going to heaven. I grew up Pentecostal Samoan First Assembly of God church in Hawaii so I know a thing or two about the Bible. I left them with this to think about. I don’t mind another person having and opinion but when you tell me that I’m going to hell, my children are going to hell and my parents who brought me into this world will go to hell, well then that’s when I have a big problem. We are all born into this world alone and when we leave this world we will be alone and when I stand at judgment day and God ask me if I’m worthy to enter into the Kingdom of heaven, I will say no because no is. So before I left the seminar I used the same scare tactics that religion would use on us, I quoted the bible. “The measure you judge will be Judged unto you” meaning if you walk up to that voting station and you vote against same sex marriage amendment, God will vote against you because even if you disagree with the color of my skin, hair or who I decide to give my heart to, I am a child of God. Amen.
The Standard:
In 2006 you sang the national anthem at the 2006 Gay Games, that same year you wrote your book “Alone in the Trenches” what was it like to put your experiences into words?
Esera:
I actually sang the Gay Game anthem and I was so overwhelmed with pride, love, joy and excitement, During rehearsal the night before the opening ceremony I was a tragic mess. I could not remember the words; I was like a deer in headlights. They were going to cut me from the program but my manager assured them that I would sing my ass off. :-) I did. It was absolutely one of the highlights of my life. Writing the book: At first I did not want to write the book but after receiving over 500,000 emails from around the world by people inspired by my story and wanting me to write a book it took me a few years after coming out to decide to write it. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Opening all the doors in my mind that I locked and threw away the key was difficult. I’m glad I did. I still receive thousands of emails and sometime stopped on the street by people telling me that they loved the book and was inspired by it. It makes me smile but at the same time its feel weird because people know everything about you. I’m planning on writing a second book so look out for it. People can buy my book at www.amazon.com or on my website www.hateiswrong.com for a signed copy.
The Standard:
Many people know you as a former NFL player but some don’t know that you have mad skills as a singer, what is your musical style and who are your influences?
Esera:
Growing up on the banana farm in Hawaii one of the only radio programs that came through was this Motown radio station. So I was influenced buy Smoky Robison, Patti Labelle, Aretha Franklin, The Manhattans, Nat King Cole and old school Tina and Ike just to name a few. I sing like a big black women, I guess that’s my style. I’m a high tenor and I enjoy the challenge of singing women songs.
The Standard:
A few years back I saw you take the stage with CeCe Penniston and you guys rocked, are you planning on doing more dance music and who would you like to collaborate with?
Esera:
I love me some CeCe Penniston. She’s a good friend and incredible voicetress and Diva. I had a blast sharing the stage with her. I signed with Music Plant records and have a dance single that out called STRONGER
(check it out here). Written by the Gorgie Porgie. STRONGER for me is the anthem for the Gay community. It’s the feeling you have when you say those words for the first time: I’m Gay. After the shock wore off and dealing with the realization of your reality, I felt empowered, a sense of joy and strength. You can purchase it on iTunes or go to www.musicplantrecords.com. So to answer your question, yes I will be doing much more music in the future.
The Standard:
Tell us a bit about the “Hate In Any Form Is Wrong” campaign and how people can get involved.
Esera:
Our mission statement for HATE IN ANY FORM IS WRONG is to help address the issues and minimize the negative impact that hate has on our society, especially with today’s youth on bullying. We want to educate and bring awareness to the bullying epidemic that is sweeping our nation. I want to empower and bring a sense of self worth to victims of hate, through my speaking presentations; workshops and creating follow up programs. Together we can end bullying and create a safe environment for all of our children. People can log on to the website www.hateiswrong.com and take the pledge and create a video so we can post it. I want people to tell their story in a short video so people around the world can be inspired. Also they can jump on my website www.hateiswrong.com to purchase my HATE IN ANY FORM IS WRONG t-shirts and 100 perfect of the proceeds go to help my cause.
The Standard:
You and your former partner share custody of your twins, how did fatherhood change you?
Esera:
It made me a better man. Words can’t express what my children mean to me, the joy they bring into your life is nothing you can ever imagine unless you have children. Coaching my son in football is a dream come true and having my 13-year-old daughter do my photo shoot for this story is also a dream come true. I love my kids and they love big daddy.
The Standard:
What are your biggest pet peeves? And what makes you smile?
Esera:
Mean people is one of my biggest pet peeves and kids always make me happy.
Mahalo for taking this time to sit with us, its been an honor and a pleasure.
To find out more about Esera’s “ Hate in any Form is Wrong” visit his website www.hateiswrong.com 100% of the proceeds of t-shirts sold on the site goes directly to the cause. Follow him on Tweeter @eseratuaolo, Instagram ETUAOLO and like him on Facebook.
